Kirsten Hearth

Dear Mrs. Hearth,


Once again I apologize for the events of the other day. I know that events got a little bit out of control. See the thing is that it was Charlies birthday. And we were having a celebration, and sure things got a little bit out of hand. But it wasn't that bad. For example yes John was casting into your koi pond. But first off, he is catch and release only. Even if he could have caught one, he would never have kept it. More importantly, there was nothing on the end of his line. He was demonstrating a couple of casting techniques he used on the Metolious, that was all.

I will pay for a new Garden Gnome if you wish. I will also instruct Jimmy on potty ettiquete. He was a little bit over-inebriated, sure. But how was he to know you would be peeking out your window spying on us. Besides, I've seen what the dogs have done to the gnome, and Jimmy's urine is not near so bad. Still you do have photographic evidence, so I will buy you a new one.

I was told by the police officer not to speak to contact you until the case was solved, but I strongly object to you telling them we ate your cat. WE DID NO SUCH THING. We barbecued RACK OF LAMB for charlies birthday. The bones you saw were all the same size they were not cat bones. I know you love your cats, but it is pure coincidence that one came up missing the night of our party. The package you saw with bones and ashes was for Harvey. They were leftovers from the barbecue. We were not trying to hide the evidence. Harvey is seperated from his wife, and in his stupor last night, he thought it would be funny to send her a box of ashes and bones with a fake address saying they were his. We are going to give the box to the police to prove our evidence.

Please Mrs. Hearth, we are neighbors. We have to continue to live next door to each other. Can we not do so peaceably? I admit my friends and I got a little out of hand, but I think your reaction was a little extreme as well. Can we not settle our differences? Maybe you could come over I'll grill you up something.

Your neighbor,
Christopher Onstad

Michael Swarthem

Hey Mike,

Long time no speak, eh? How you been lately. I know you are probably surprised to hear from me, and on such an odd medium. Well, to be honest, it has been so long that I have completely lost your address. Okay, probably in one of the last 3 moves I tossed it out. I still have your old PO box. But last time I tried to write you there, it was returned with a note that the box had been abandoned. Not that I'm surprised. You never were one to settle in to a routine.

So how been guy? I have missed you tons. In fact that's why I'm writing. I am getting older, and well miss the good old days. Remember the fun we used to have hanging out on the roof, smoking looking at the stars and dreaming? Yeah, too bad it had to end. Who knew one of us would graduate and leave. Oh well.

Hey if you get this, write me back. We'll get together, tell some stories, have a few beers. Who knows maybe finally make that trip to the carribean we always planned.

Take care,
Pher